Mental Load for Mothers: Reclaim Your Sanity & Time

The Phantom Parent: When "Watching the Kids" Means Watching Netflix

Let's be honest, ladies. How many times has your partner declared they're "watching the kids," only for you to return to a scene of utter chaos, a distinct lack of supervision, & the lingering aroma of microwave popcorn? It's the phantom parent paradox – they're there, physically present in the same building as the offspring, but their engagement level is hovering somewhere between zero & “Did you see that TikTok?”

This isn't a man-bashing session (though, honestly, sometimes a good vent sesh is what the doctor ordered!). This is about the real-life juggle so many of us, especially Millennial mums like myself, face – the mental load that seems to magnetically cling to us, even when we're supposedly off duty. Studies show that working mothers disproportionately shoulder the mental load, experiencing higher levels of stress and burnout. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2010/families. This resonates deeply with my own PhD research exploring the unique pressures faced by women entrepreneurs.

It's like, you know, when you meticulously plan a work project, map out every stage, have all your ducks in a row... only for the ducks to decide it's bath time & flood the entire bathroom just as you sit down for a crucial client call? You salvage the call, mop up the flood, & somehow still manage to deliver a killer presentation. But that mental switch, the constant awareness of everything going on, even when you're focused elsewhere, that takes energy. It's the mental equivalent of running a marathon while herding energetic puppies – much like trying to write this blog post with Espresso, our miniature pinscher puppy, using my foot as a chew toy while my toddler "helps" by randomly hitting the keyboard.

My husband is a great guy. He genuinely thinks he's pulling his weight with the kids. But there's a world of difference between being in the same room as the small humans & actually, you know, parenting them. He calls it "supervising." I call it "proximity."

I vividly remember one incident—well, one of many—where I had carved out some precious work time while my partner was supposedly on kid duty. It's like that "Little Red Hen" fable, right? You're trying to sow, reap, and bake the entrepreneurial bread, but everyone else is conveniently unavailable until it's time to eat. I had a deadline looming, & I was finally in the zone, crafting a killer marketing strategy for a new client. I emerged from my office a couple of hours later, expecting a scene of domestic bliss.

What I found instead was:

• My two-year-old happily decorating the living room wall with peanut butter (Espresso, our hyperactive puppy, was "helping" with enthusiastic licks).

• My six-year-old trying to teach the baby sign language (mostly consisting of made-up gestures).

• My teenager nowhere to be seen (presumably absorbed in the latest TikTok drama).

My partner was on the sofa, blissfully engrossed in a documentary about ancient Egypt, looking slightly bewildered by the peanut-butter art installation. He even had the audacity to say, "They were pretty quiet, weren't they?" Truthfully, early on, even I struggled to articulate what kind of help I needed. It wasn't just about bodies; it was about engaged presence. I distinctly remember one particularly overwhelming day, post C-section with the baby, trying to manage the business & the older three. The dogs were literally crated all day, which broke my heart. I knew I needed more than just someone "around"; I needed active, engaged childcare that gave me the mental space to work. That experience forced me to get very clear about communicating my needs, not just for my business, but for my own sanity.

Now, I know this sounds like a comedy sketch, but the underlying reality is often more frustrating than funny. It's not about the peanut butter (though, seriously, who knew it could stick so well to walls?). It's about the disconnect. It's about the constant mental calculations we, as mothers, seem to be doing – "Have they eaten? Are they safe? Has anyone seen the hamster?" Even when we're trying to focus on other things, a part of our brain is still on high alert, monitoring the potential for toddler-induced disasters. It's exhausting. This constant context-switching & the immense mental load it creates are common themes in my PhD research on Black female entrepreneurship, highlighting the immense mental and emotional labor involved in balancing business & family. It's like having Dora the Explorer playing on repeat in your head while trying to solve a complex equation.

The real kicker? This "phantom parenting" phenomenon extends beyond just childcare. It's the mental load of remembering birthdays, scheduling appointments, planning meals, keeping track of school events – the list is endless. It's the invisible web of responsibilities that we often carry without even realizing it, until we're so overwhelmed we feel like screaming into a pillow. & then the pillow fights back because it's full of peanut butter.

So, what's the solution? If you're a Foundation Builder, just starting out on your entrepreneurial journey, or even a Scaling Leader juggling a growing business with family, this mental load can feel crippling. I'm not advocating for a life of rigid schedules or turning into a drill sergeant with a clipboard (though a clipboard might be helpful for tracking the hamster's whereabouts). It's about open communication, shared responsibility, & recognizing the mental load for what it is – a very real & often invisible form of labor. This is where the FUEL pillar (prioritizing your well-being) of our Business Flourish Framework comes in. Prioritizing your well-being, both mental & emotional, is crucial for navigating the entrepreneurial rollercoaster. Remember Lisa Nichols' powerful reminder, "Your job is to fill your own cup, so it overflows." Fusion, our strategic approach to integrating AI, can also free up mental space by automating routine tasks, so you can focus on what truly matters: your family & business growth.

Here are a few practical steps you can take today:

1. Start the conversation: Talk to your partner. Explain the subtle, yet significant, differences between true childcare & simply being in the same postcode as the children. Sometimes they genuinely don't see it. Use specific examples, like, "Remember last week when I had that important client call & came back to find a peanut butter masterpiece on the wall? That made it really hard to focus on finishing my proposal." For instance, if your partner’s idea of "watching the kids" involves scrolling through their phone while the little ones wreak havoc, gently explain how this actually adds to your mental load because you’re constantly anticipating potential disasters, even when you’re trying to work.

2. Be super specific: Instead of saying, "You're not helping enough," try “Next time, could you actively engage the toddler with crayons & paper, or supervise the six-year-old with her homework, while the baby naps? That would free up my mental space to focus on work.” Specificity eliminates ambiguity. If your partner isn't sure how to engage the kids meaningfully, create a simple list of activities they can do together, or set up a designated "play zone" with age-appropriate toys & materials. This preemptive planning can prevent a lot of chaos (and peanut butter incidents).

3. Divide & conquer: Create a shared calendar & clearly assign responsibilities for specific tasks, from school pick-ups to meal planning. Even something as simple as, “You’re on dinner duty Monday-Wednesday, I’ve got Thursday-Sunday,” can lift a huge weight. This isn't about micromanaging; it’s about shared responsibility and creating systems that work. My partner & I use a shared Trello board for family tasks – it's a game-changer!

Remember, creating a fulfilling life – not just in business, but in all areas – involves recognizing imbalances & taking proactive steps to address them. This isn't about blaming or pointing fingers. It’s about working together, smart work, to create a family dynamic that supports everyone's well-being & allows us, as female entrepreneurs & mothers, to truly thrive. It begins with recognizing our own needs & then confidently & clearly communicating them. Does this resonate with you? Share one specific win you've had this week in managing the mental load in the comments below. It can be isolating navigating this, but remember – you’re not alone! Imagine a life where you can confidently focus on your business and be fully present with your family. It's achievable with the right mindset, strategies, and support.

Join our free, global Femme Connect Community for support, strategies, and a safe space to share your experiences with other women who get it. If you're feeling the pressure of the mental load, especially as a mum trying to build a business, Femme Connect is your lifeline. It’s a place to connect with other women navigating the same challenges, access expert guidance on topics like work-life integration & strategic time management, and find the encouragement you need to keep going, even when it feels like you're juggling flaming torches while balancing on a unicycle (because, let's be real, motherhood sometimes feels exactly like that!). Join us here: https://www.femmeprenista.com/femmeconnect

Carlene Nisbett

Founder & CEO, Femmeprenista (Coach, Mentor, Speaker)

Wife, Mother of four, Business Owner, PhD Researcher, Pet mom, Plant mom, 5'0" tall Passionate Multitasker & Wine Lover, You get the drift

P.S. This workbook is just the beginning!

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